The smile doesn’t leave my face

I would like to thank you first, when you give me this opportunity to share my story. When I came to the Crisis building as a homeless person, after a few weeks Muiread showed me the art office, and I got the chance to discuss art and what kind of positive self-impact it can give, and then how this self-impact can reflect to the community. It was very exciting for me just to go through it and try to explore my emotions, and take out ideas. I was feeling this depression, so it was a very big chance for me to have a big step, especially in the last two years when I had a lot of problems in my life. When I came here, I face this kind of opportunity to turn my negative energy to positive energy and impact everyone around me. The way to look into the future has been completely changed in my mind.

I give up totally in the past two years about everything to be honest, which I'm not that kind of person. I'm a very energetic person and self-motivated to learn. I tried to figure out the problem, but I couldn't. When Muiread told me about the office, I was thinking about just drawing or media or something like that. But when I talk to everyone here, slowly they encourage me, support me about ideas and they give me space and freedom to think. That's a huge impact to myself. Always given the freedom to do my thing. And then, day by day, we share stories, talk, discussion, food, drink, I found that here is really the place to discover myself again, before I move to the next step. So, I started from this point. Then art helped me deeply to tell my stories, my thinking, and showed me a powerful way to express my experience and emotion and perspective.

When they meet with me, they explain Marmalade festival. It was 10 weeks before Marmalade events in April. They show me which kind of systems they are using. I get involved, I learned a lot from the administration here. They show me how we can deal with the people during Marmalade, and I've been working with them online, as I said, administration, scheduling a call, booking place, helping with the volunteers. And then they end up with a very nice story, which they offered me to be a speaker in Marmalade. I hadn't thought I would be one of the speakers, to be in front of people. I've been to defend my master degree in English, but it was the first and last time, and very limited people, only four or five officers. Here, you don't know them, you're standing in front of a huge number of people, 70 or 100 people. 

Before I started, they told me here are people to share a story with, not to judge you. And when that happened, everyone congratulated me. I thought I hadn't done that great, but indeed, I did. So, it was a great moment for me that day, to share and to have a chat with a wide range of people coming from everywhere.

Then I was surprised when they offered me to be a part of interview panel support when they are looking for a Theatre Technical Manager. It was a long and hard day, but it was really enjoyable to have this kind of discussion between four people and one candidate. By the end of the day, after we finish for four candidates, we sit here in this room and we start telling our points about everyone. That was a kind of democracy and freedom, because, to be honest, I haven't seen that in my life. In Syria, for example, when I tried to talk about how we can change a specific part in our department faculty because we need to have more bathrooms, we're 8,000 students only using four bathrooms, everyone blamed me, they said that one is rude. Here, completely different. Here is freedom. Freedom in mind, in thinking. You have right to think about anything, because you are a human. I've been in many countries in my life, I've been in Africa, Middle East, in all Arab countries. But believe me, this is a real democracy and freedom. When they gave me this opportunity, this let me think completely out of the box.

I was thinking about next year, Marmalade, ideas which can be useful to share with public. We have some good ideas as a Kurdish community, but not here in Oxford, UK. Some friends are professors from my country. They have good ideas, good, positive impact to communities. And if we can be in a session, or just part of a session. So, we're thinking about that. So, without working with the people here, I would not get that idea. And without that freedom and democracy, that they delivered to me, I would not be able to share this idea with them. It's not about politics. It's about sharing ideas and impacting people.

They invited me to talk my story as well, in front of a meeting for Crisis and homelessness. I shared common ideas, but I add some extra, which is I was seeing life, dark on white only, and now I'm seeing bright, colourful life everywhere. All of this happened in Old Fire Station. This place is a place to share and impact positively and get help here while helping people. Since I came to this building we did a lot together. I'm feeling really happy, even things that happened with me in the past I accepted in a positive way because life is up and down. You need a person like advisor or someone just push you a small step forward, and then you will explore your ideas, emotion, everything. So today I'm completely different to six months before.

Previously, when I wake up I had a bad mood. I don't want to see anyone, talk to anyone, just fighting with everything around me. A lot of people used to look away from me. Imagine you don't want to wake up. And when you open your eyes, you don't want to get out of your bed. No power, no energy, you don't even want to have any food. Imagine you give up to everything around you. Imagine this kind of person, what he's felt like.

Now I get up around seven, seven-thirty. I open my window, I see a nice, sunny day. So tidy your bed, have your coffee and try to get out. I look at myself in the mirror which I haven't done before. I joke to myself, I start laughing to myself to get some energy, then get out. The first person, whatever he or she is, just try to have a joke with them and keep going. Only think in a colourful way. Don't look at anything in your life as white and dark. 

Today, everyone around me looks at me laughing. When I share now talking with anyone, not even here, outside in the street, when I walk I can stop anyone, just talk to him or her, joke, let people laugh. When you draw this smile on their face, you felt you did something nice. All these ideas came from the last three months since dealing with the people here, and the way they deal with me, it was great. And I'm really happy about that change. This will help me to get my goals in the future. 

I left my country in 2010 for some specific goals. And I lost myself, lost my mind, lost my character. Now, the most important, I gain back my character first. I lost my confidence, trust, and my character in past two years, three years, or let's say seven years. Now, I gain everything back. Here, the big change they did to me, I rediscovered myself. When you lose your character, you lose everything. So, I get my character back and I gain my trust back. I give my confidence to myself, and then to other people. So, that's why I am now completely different to previous Mohamad. I know exactly where I'm going and how I will get my goals.

To be honest, I was very motivated to do my PhD. But imagine 10 years, I'm trying, I didn't get it. Just two months ago, I get it. Imagine that. I get that opportunity. And maybe you notice that since we sit here, the smile doesn't leave my face. So that's a big difference for me. I'm doing right. Just keep going. And I'm sure I will get what I want. So that's my result. About last two, three, four months what I did, today, what I'm getting, and where I will be after a few years. I will be specialised in astrophysics. Maybe you will see an article under my name, and I'm sure one day you will say I met him, Mohamad, I know him.

I want to stay as a volunteer at least, just to spend my time in useful ways with useful people, with friends. And that friendship can help me, help my mood be much better. So, I'm very happy be a part of this team. We are colleagues, people to work together as a team. It's not important which kind of qualification, you can help each other to cover weaknesses to turn it to strength. I want to say thanks for everyone here. They helped me a lot in a direct or indirect way. They teach me and I get learning benefit from everyone.